Les Poissons (Ringmaster version)
Inside the dining room table, Ventus was standing near the window, looking out into the distance. While Ansem was seated at the large table, beginning to clean his pipe, Ventus was waiting patiently for Kairi to arrive as he tried desperately to reason with the Keyblade Wielder. "Oh, Ventus, be reasonable," said Ansem, feeling clearly amused while waving his pipe in the air. "Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some -" Ventus cut him off. "I'm tellin' you, Ansem, she was REAL!" he said, "I'm gonna find that girl. And I'm gonna marry her." He put his left hand over his chin, gazing out the glass windows. Suddenly, laughter was heard from behind him. He turned his head to see the lover with the peasant girl. "Come on, honey." said a voice, "Don't be shy." It was Ariel. She stood by the door frame, guiding the lover into the dining room. Out of the shadows came Kairi. Kairi was now wearing a violet sleeveless dress (similar to Tiana's lily pad dress), lavender opera gloves, purple shoes, a lilac diamond necklace, and a lily pad tiara. This was a new look for Kairi, and she showed that she was being treated well by the servants. Ventus' eyes widened as Ansem walked up behind the Keyblade Wielder. "Oh, Ventus, isn't she a vision?" asked Ansem. The grin he had was never slipping off his face. Ventus' mouth hung open. But he closed his mouth and swallowed, feeling somewhat nervous. "You look - wonderful." Ventus stammered. Kairi, unable to say, "Thank you," replied with a gentle blush, she shrugged her shoulders, appreciating the nice comment, a smile on her face as her indigo/blue eyes looked up from behind her auburn hair. Ventus blushed a light pink as Ansem helped Ventus into his chair, quite enthusiastic, but not before giving the young princess a light nudge. Ventus pursed his lips, but grinned nonetheless. "Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. There we go - ah - quite comfy?" He helped the princess into her seat. Ventus tucked the chair under the table as the auburn-haired girl sat down. "Uh, it's...it's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh, Ven?" Kairi wasn't playing attention anymore. She was too intrigued by the glistening silver 'dinglehopper' resting on the table. With a wide smile, she picked up the shiny object and began brushing her hair with it. She looked up to face a confused Ventus and a horrified Ansem. Kairi delicately placed the 'dinglehopper' back on the table and looked down in embarrassment. She bit her lip and looked up as she saw Ansem using a lighter to ignite the coppery thing that Kairi understood as a 'snarfblatt'. Ansem kindly smiled at her, and handed her his pipe. "Uh, do you like it?" he asked, "It is a rather fine..." Ansem stopped in mid-sentence when the auburn-haired girl blew into the pipe as if it was a trumpet, sending a cloud of smoke spurting out the top and straight into his face. Ventus cracked up with laughter while Ariel gave a small giggle. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. Ventus cleared his throat, trying to regain composure. "Ahem. I'm sorry, Ansem." Ariel smiled, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Why, Ventus," she said. "That's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks." Kairi looked up from the table and smiled. "Oh, very amusing," said Ansem, as he used a handkerchief to wipe the last bit of smoke of his face and sniffed. "Ariel, my dear, what's for dinner?" "Oooh, you're gonna love it!" Ariel smiled. "Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crow!" Jim Crow poked his head out from behind a sugar bowl and gasped upon seeing the chef of a French kitchen. He was an obese, half-bald man with fair skin, black thinning hair, a matching mustache, and gray eyes, wearing cream-colored gloves, a light blue dress shirt with big, gold buttons, a white shirt front, a red coat, tan pants, black boots, a light blue bow ties, a white chef's hat, and a matching apron. He was the Ringmaster, the French chef of the kitchen. The Ringmaster rummaged through a cupboard. Singing in French to himself, he hummed to himself as he took a basket of trout and putting one on a counter. With his food ready, the ringmaster chef started singing. Ringmaster: Les poissons Les poissons How I love '''les poissons' ''Love to chop And to serve little fish Grabbing the trout from the basket, the Ringmaster pulled out a cleaver and violently chopped off its head. This shocked Jim Crow horribly. Horrified that this was happening, Jim Crow hid his face. Ringmaster: First I cut off their heads Then I pull out the bones Ah mais oui Ca c'est toujours delish Taking out another trout, Ringmaster took the cleaver and violently chopped off its head then proceeded to skin it and gut it while Jim Crow leaned against a wall and covered his beak, feeling quite sick, feeling as if he may want to throw up. Ringmaster: Les poissons Les poissons Hee hee hee Hah hah hah With the cleaver I hack them in two Taking out another trout, the Ringmaster again chopped its head and then chopped the rest of the body into tiny pieces. Jim Crow tried getting away, but he found himself face to face with the trout's head. Ringmaster: I pull out what's inside And I serve it up fried Cause I love little fishes'' Don't you? After cutting the trout's head off, the Ringmaster pulled out the insides of the trout and cooked it on a frying pan before serving it on a plate. Spotting a large lettuce leaf, Jim Crow grabbed the leaf and used it to disguise himself as he slowly scuttled away from an unsuspecting chef, who is too absorbed into his little fish hacking mania but the Ringmaster took a mallet and began smashing a tuna flat. Ringmaster: Here's something for tempting the palate Prepared in the classic technique First you pound the fish flat with a mallet When the Ringmaster pounded the tuna flat with the mallet, Jim Crow flew off the counter along with other stuff on it. He hid again under the lettuce before hearing more gross stuff from the Ringmaster's preparations for the tuna. Ringmaster: Then you slash through the skin Give the belly a slice Then you rub some salt in 'Cause that makes it taste nice When the Ringmaster was describing those horrid moves, Jim Crow cringed even more. Just after the Jim Crow put the salt on he rather was holding the fish body close to his cheek, Jim Crow's worst fear was confirmed when the cook reached out and grabbed the lettuce leaf, leaving him exposed. The small black crow kept perfectly still as the chef gasped, "Zut alors!" exclaimed the Ringmaster, "I have missed one!" He picked up the 'dead' crow and continued singing, Ringmaster: ''Sacre bleu'' What is this? How on earth could I miss Such a sweet little succulent crow? ''Quel dommage'' What a loss Here we go In the sauce Now some flour I think just a spurt The Ringmaster tossed Jim Crow into a bowl of sauce and threw a spot of flour in his face, making him cough and sneeze before pulling him out and stuffing some breadcrumbs in his beak. Ringmaster: Now I stuff you with bread It don't hurt 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are Jim Crow spat out the breadcrumbs and wheezed loudly. The Ringmaster didn't notice that the meerkat in his hand was still alive. Ringmaster: 'Cause it's gonna be hot In my big silver pot Toodle loo ''Mon poisson'' ''Au revoir!''' The Ringmaster threw Jim Crow across the room into a large pot of boiling water. Jim Crow held on to the inside of the pot before a bubble popped, burning him out of the pot and onto the counter with a loud thud. The Ringmaster, hearing the 'thud', looked over to it being confused. He used a pitchfork-like utensil and stabs on either side of the crow, picking up Jim Crow and carefully inspected it. "What is this?" he asked. Jim Crow bit the Ringmaster's nose, making him scream in pain as he held his nose. Jim Crow landed on the handle of a pan on the stove. The Ringmaster reached for the crow, but instead put his hand on the fiery hot stove. The chef screamed and blew on his hand as the pan fell onto his foot. The Ringmaster grabbed his foot and cried in pain, before sending Jim Crow an angry glare, grabbing a bunch of knives and hurling them at the crow. Jim Crow, who ducked each knife, dove under the counter, and while the chef was looking under the counter, Jim Crow pushed the bowl of sauce off the counter. The bowl Ringmaster on his head. Going more insane, the Ringmaster lifted his cleaver and brought it down. But all he managed to chop up was the counter. He saw Jim Crow running for his life. Jim Crow screamed as he tried getting out. The cleaver landed right in front of him, stopping him from running that way. He quickly made a mad dash underneath the Ringmaster and hid underneath a cabinet of glasses and pottery. The Ringmaster screamed, holding his mallet in his hand, Jim Crow hid as the psychotic chef jumped and crashed into the shelves. Back in the dining room, everyone heard loud crashes coming from the kitchen. Ariel, who was pouring drinks for the prince, Ansem, and their young guest, looked in the direction of the kitchen at the sound of a large crash. "I think I'd better go see what the Ringmaster is up to." she said. Once she had excused herself, she hurriedly made her way to the palace kitchen. Back in the kitchen, the insane chef, ripped clothes and all, was tearing apart the cabinet, mindlessly throwing things out of the way trying to find Jim Crow. "Come out, you little pipsqueak, AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!" he snarled. He continued to tear apart a cupboard. "Ringmaster!" shouted Ariel. He shot up, banging his head on the shelf, causing several new pots and pans to fall or break on the floor, at the sound of Ariel's shrill voice. His tuxedo and apron were torn and stained, his chef's hat and gloves were gone, he only had one boot, and there was a hole in the elbow of his his untucked shirt. "What are you doing?" Ariel demanded. The Ringmaster stammered about what he was doing earlier. "Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, ''madame." he finally said. Ariel scowled at the ringmaster as he gave her an apologetic grin and pinched out a fire that had started on his mustache. Ariel picked up the plates - which all had a metal dome over the top - off a nearby bench, and storming out the kitchen. "Well, I never!" she exclaimed in disgust. Ansem set his glass back on the table as Ariel placed their dinners in front of him, Kairi, and Ventus. "You know, Ven," he said. "perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour?" Ventus simply sat there, staring at Kairi with a lovestruck expression on his face. Realizing that Ansem had said something to them, they snapped out of their daze. Ventus let out a small chuckle and looked at Ansem. "I'm sorry, Ansem." he said, "What was that?" Ansem leaned over to the boy and whispered, "You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. Get your mind off-" As Ansem complained, he opened his dish, and Jim Crow was huddled inside. Kairi noticed Jim Crow and became worried. Jim Crow quietly shushed the worried auburn-haired girl, who opened her dish and urged for Jim Crow to quickly hide in hers. "Easy, Ansem, easy." said Ventus, "It's not a bad idea. If she's interested." As the two chatted, Jim Crow quickly and quietly dashed across the table and hid in Kairi's dish. With Jim Crow safe, Kairi quickly turned to Ventus. "Well, what do you say?" asked Ventus. "Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow?" Kairi nodded, genuinely excited by the prospect and also internally relieved. "Wonderful!" beamed Ansem. "Now let's eat, before this crow wanders off my plate." He looked down, only to be confused that Jim Crow had just run off his plate. Dinner got carried on into the evening long after the sun had set and afterwards, Kairi, Ventus, and Ansem went their separate ways. Kairi was now dressed in her nightclothes as she watched Ventus play with Dumbo from the balcony. Kairi was now wearing purple pajamas that consists of a T-shirt and pants. "Come here boy!" Ventus laughed to Dumbo, "Arrr!!!" He knelt on the ground and Dumbo ran up to him and trumpeted with glee. Ventus growled playfully at the elephant calf as he pinned him down. He looked up and smiled when he saw that the auburn-haired girl he'd found on the beach that day, watching. Ventus waved at Kairi, and she waved back, before slipping further back into her room. Ventus' eyes sparkled as his smile widened. He was actually really looking forward to taking her around his kingdom tomorrow, and could only hope that she felt the same way. Kairi smiled as she brushed her hair with her fork. Jim Crow (now wearing a clean pair of blue boxer shorts and a red undershirt) complained about his experience in the kitchen as he cleaned off the cooking spices. "This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life." he complained. Kairi patted Jim Crow on the head. "I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady!" scolded the black crow, as he waved his lettuce leaf at Kairi while she walked over to her bed. Kairi's bed was a large canopy bed with lilac mattresses & matching bedsheets & pillows, large violet curtains (with golden draw-tassels) on all four sides (attached to the violet canopy), purple blankets, white linens, a warm, fuzzy purple blanket, & lavender mahogany bedposts (with a headboard of the same color & material). Anyway, Jim Crow told Kairi, "Now, we've got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you." She opened the curtains and bounced a little before settling back into the large pillow on the left side of the canopy bed and crawled under the covers. "Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best." said Jim Crow. Kairi lay in her bed. It was very comfy and warm. It was a nice place for her to sleep for the night. "You're gonna bat your eyes - like this," Jim Crow went on, as he batted his eyes and puckered his lips. "You gotta pucker up your lips - like this." But by now, he realized that Kairi was already fast asleep. Jim Crow shook his head and smiled. "Hm." He put out his cigar and blew out the candle on the bed side table. He hopped onto one of Kairi's pillows, closed the curtains, and before falling asleep himself, he said, "You are hopeless, child. You know that?" He yawned and closed his eyes as Kairi covered him up with her purple blanket. "Completely hopeless!" And with that, Kairi and Jim Crow both fell asleep for the night. Category:Fan Fiction Category:The Little Mermaid Parodies Category:Songs Category:The Little Mermaid Fanmakes Category:The Little Mermaid Spoofs Category:The Little Mermaid Fanfiction Category:The Little Mermaid Fanmake